Monday, March 14, 2011

The Accidental Vegetarian

Here is an excerpt from my upcoming best seller (Jason, I'll sign a copy for you if you want)...

Chapter 4 ... Frigid Betrayal
"His wobbly legs weakly trembled across the kitchen floor as his weary arms reached out for the long stainless steel refrigerator handle.  He knew all too well what he would, or moreover, what would not be awaiting his exploration inside, but he had to try - for hope was all he had left. 

Ah, the fridge.  This used to be an oasis of late-night delight.  A veritable plethora of delicious processed meats and left over savory turkey slices.  "We had some good times old friend!", he reminisced to himself.  But those days were gone.  For even this 34 degree steel pantry had become a willing accomplice in his wife's dastardly plot.

As he cracked the seal on the 72 inch door, a false glimmer of hope danced in the back of his protein depleted and delirious mind in a feeble attempt to convince himself that this time it would be different.  "Maybe a forgotten slice of ham!", "What about an old hotdog or a cold slice of meat-lovers pizza?", "Surely some bacon bits!"  But as the hinged magnet billboard creaked open, it was just as he feared ... green everywhere!  There was literally a garden growing on every shelf.  He sighed and stumbled back to the couch desperately craving even the saltiest sliver of beef jerky to satisfy his carnivorous desires ... but not today friend - not never in this house." 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Everyday innocent spouses everywhere are unwillingly victimized by their loved one's attempt to become healthier while consuming endless amounts of leafy products.  In the blink of an eye, beloved beefy steaks and precious pork selections are banished from their home.  Won't you help before it's too late!

Michael is REALLY enjoying HER time as a vegetarian.  Send meat please.

Speaking of Michael, we had a great time this weekend at the Westport St. Patty's Day Race in KC, MO (although I'm certain I was completely energy depleted).  We ran the race together, and even though she is going through quite a bit of back pain right now, she powered through it and did a great job!  She had a great wrap-up of the race here on her blog Slowly Tri-ing!  Check out her great costume!
Michael & Jack B. Weatherly
After the 4 mile race, I ran another 7 miles with my daughter Madison.  We had a great time and this "kid" (she's 20) ran her last mile at 9:30, and her last quarter mile at a 7:30 pace!  Awesome!  We are running the Oklahoma City Half-Marathon in May and she will totally rock it!

Have a great Monday ... I'm off to hunt and consume some animal flesh!!!  (Of course I'm kidding about all this ... sorta!  No offense intended to all of my wonderful vegan friends!)
... be great today!

18 comments:

  1. I am sure my husband is suffering from sugar withdrawl in my household. As I try to get rid of all things junk. He feels your pain!

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  2. Hmmm.....don't I recall you having like the best run ever yesterday. I think this veggie thing is working out ok for you!

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  3. Ha! i love it. my middle bro (who is infamous for his ability to eat an entire pig in one sitting. it is truly amazing) went through a MAJOR adjustment when he married his vegetarian-of-many years wife. but these days, he enjoys his vegetarian sloppy joes and tofu chili just as much as the "real" thing. okay, maybe not just as much. but he eventually became a tofu convert.

    Shoes Full of Feet

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  4. and what about the spouse who unintentionally sabotages a somewhat healthy diet with a box of Little Debbies on the table, when the spouse KNOWS that his wife if WEAK! :)

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  5. I love when I come home from the grocery store. Every single time my husband picks through the bags while I'm putting the groceries away. And every single time he mutters, "there is absolutely NOTHING here, but HEALTH FOOD".
    :D

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  6. If that's the intro to the new book, it's sure to be a best seller - maybe Ted Nugent can write a testimonial?

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  7. Too funny. Maybe there is a nob of jerky stuffed in the couch cushions somewhere?

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  8. I will trade some of the salty snacks my wife buys for some of those veggies.

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  9. Lets go on a run, meet me at the pizza joint

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  10. I get grief for the food banishment as well. BDD – I’m in for the pizza run!

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  11. hahaha, i was wondering how you were doing on michael's GO VEG venture. i can mail you slice of ham if you like.

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  12. Hahahahhaa this post cracked me up!
    You can always take me out for steak, Daddy. Lol. And I'm glad we got to run on Saturday. Can't wait to run this Saturday too! =) Love you.
    P.S. Don't wither away before then...

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  13. Funny post. Have fun running with your daughter. It's the best for sure.

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  14. Hilarious.....and you tell him Michael....best run yet and fueled by plants.

    I need to find a copy of the cooking channel episode that the guy was fueled by being a raw vegan. That is even a little too much for me.

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  15. Dude, why do you think your wife looks like a teenager - she eats well. You'll be fine.

    Are you also a Morehead State Eagle? K-State? UK?

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  16. Chris - I have 6 credit hours from The University of Missouri (so I tell everyone I went to Mizzou for a while) but my degree is from Park Univeristy in KC. I'm knida anti KU!!! Just the way I was raised.

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  17. Ha, Ha! Super funny! I could not be a vegetarian, love my meat too much:)

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