Lance, You're Not In My League Bro

Like many of us last night, I searched all the channels and finally found something called the Oprah Network (who knew this even existed), to watch Lance Armstrong admit that he was never exactly what we thought he was.  Yep, we watched as he legally postured and readied himself for what will undoubtedly be a plea bargain when the Feds clamp down.  Oh - I'm sorry, did you think he actually had a little moment of clarity or remorse for all the people he led astray for so many years.  Please, that was a polished "try to lessen the legal blow" recital we witnessed.  Frauds like this dude don't just all of the sudden come clean and dump everything out there just for the good of humanity.  If you believe that, you probably believe in Leprechauns, or Wishing Wells ... or that pro athletes don't dope.  Man, grow up.

What really irritates me about the whole thing is not the fact that he doped, or even lied about it.  Yeah the doping is against the rules, but I can easily understand the argument of "everyone was doing it".  Not that I agree with it, but it would take a pretty special person in those circumstances to go against the culture.  And the lying?  That's a little unbecoming as well.   But I think most of us would agree with so much at stake, he was just trying to protect his territory by whatever means possible.  Of course now he looks like a bully and a mean spirited individual, but I think I can at least understand the mindset of why he would put up such a front for so long.  But that's not what drives me insane about this guy.

No, what I can't give him a pass on is everyone still thinking he's some great athlete.  Man, he's NOTHING!!!  You know what a great athlete looks like ...  ME and everyone else like me who does this without the help of one single drug or blood transfusion.  Crap, I don't even take a multivitamin!  You know what I take when I get tired ... A FREAKING NAP!!!   I hear people say, "Well, he still had to train and he's obviously a pro."  HE'S NOTHING!!!  This chump couldn't carry my luggage for a friggin' day.  Training is his job and he still had to use his ass as a pincushion and pump it full of chemicals to help him get the job done.  You know what I use when I need to get the job done ... frigging will power and guts.

This gutless loser and all the other little doped up bikers are an inspiration to you?  Please!  Here's a novel idea ... make everyone who gets up at 4am, works out for 2-3 hours, then works a real job for 40,50, & 60 hours every week, comes home and works again for another hour, and then does it all again the next day your frigging athletic hero.  Oh and by the way, all without pay or endorsement!  Lance ... do you know how hard it is to run 3,000 miles every year ... WITHOUT DOPING?  Do you know how hard 21,000 crunches every year is ... WITHOUT DOPING?  Do you have any idea how difficult 2,000 minutes of planks every year, 15,000 pushups every year, or all the other endless crap we do everyday of our lives is ... ALL WITHOUT FRIGGIN' DOPING???  Of you course you don't.  You could NEVER do this.  You're not man enough.  You need to take off the yellow bracelet and put on a blue one stamped with "Be Great Today!" ... because that's what everyone of us who does this without the assistance of doping is ... FRIGGING GREAT!!!

But no, this sedentary world we live in marveled at him because he pedaled his little bike wheels really fast for a while and raised some money for charity (which at the end of the day is obviously the silver lining to all of his fraudulent behavior).  We had just never seen such a great athlete.  Man, how'd he do it?  How was his strength and endurance so much greater than ours?  Steroids, EPO, HGH, extra blood (extra oxygen), etc, etc, etc. ... that's how.  You wanna see some real endurance sport heroes?  Spend some time perusing the running blogs and journals and read about what real people do.  Some of us put our bodies through just as much or more than this cheater ... but we do it without any help.  Are we a little slower or can't go quite as far as Armstrong and all his buddies ... sure.  But could they do even a fraction of what they do without the chemical assistance ... NOPE!

So Lance, after all those years of not really doing anything on your own, you're probably a little confused about what true athletes do.  Here's my offer ... you can come train with me for a while.  You'll obviously have to start slow, and you'll never be able to handle to the full workout load.  But I would be willing to take you under my wing and teach you a few things. I gotta warn you though ... when you get a little tired, or a little sweat in your crack, or your breathing gets heavy, or your legs hurt, or you're light headed and wanna pass out ... I'm not gonna let you reach for a needle.  No, I'll just let you take a little break while I keep going.  Because I'll keep going, and going, and going, and going ... all without the drugs that your weak, sorry, pathetic, ass needed for so many years.  Because me and everyone else like me are the real endurance sport heroes here bro.  And frankly, you are not in my league.
... be great today!